Rita Rudner Quotes

Most Famous Rita Rudner Quotes of All Time!

We have created a collection of some of the best rita-rudner quotes so you can read and share anytime with your friends and family. Share our Top 10 Rita Rudner Quotes on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

Last Updated on May 30, 2021

Long
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Nov 07, 2020

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

Great
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Nov 07, 2020

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

People
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Nov 07, 2020

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Funny
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Nov 07, 2020

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Mine
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Nov 07, 2020

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Day
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Nov 07, 2020

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

Fight
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Nov 07, 2020

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Nov 07, 2020

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Children
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Nov 07, 2020

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Busy
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Nov 07, 2020

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

Dating
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Nov 07, 2020

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

Man
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Nov 07, 2020

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

Men
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Nov 07, 2020

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

People
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Nov 07, 2020

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Grow
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Nov 07, 2020

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Nov 07, 2020

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

Love
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Nov 07, 2020

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

Person
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Nov 07, 2020

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

Happy
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Nov 07, 2020

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

Good
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Nov 07, 2020

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

Better
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Nov 07, 2020

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

Like
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Nov 07, 2020

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

Good
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Nov 07, 2020

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

Ale
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Nov 07, 2020

The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

Go
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Nov 07, 2020

I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'

Desire
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Nov 07, 2020

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

Different Kinds
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Nov 07, 2020

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

How
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Nov 07, 2020

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

First
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Nov 07, 2020

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.

Nov 07, 2020

My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.

Push
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Nov 07, 2020

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

Nov 07, 2020

I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique.

Being
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Nov 07, 2020

Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act.

Personality
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Nov 07, 2020

Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it.

Down
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Nov 07, 2020

I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs.

Live
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Nov 07, 2020

I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night.

Nov 07, 2020

I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy.

Everything
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Nov 07, 2020

On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.'

People
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Nov 07, 2020

If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.

Me
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Nov 07, 2020

I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me.

Love
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Nov 07, 2020

I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

Money
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Nov 07, 2020

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

Comedy
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Nov 07, 2020

I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it.

Birthday Party
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Nov 07, 2020

I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.

Catalogue
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Nov 07, 2020

While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch.

Favorite
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Nov 07, 2020

Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.

Body
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Nov 07, 2020

You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it.

Love
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Nov 07, 2020

I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience.

Life
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Nov 07, 2020

Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate.

Going
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Nov 07, 2020

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Pet
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Nov 07, 2020

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Love
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Nov 07, 2020

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Life
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Nov 07, 2020

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Marriage
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Nov 07, 2020

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Men
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Nov 07, 2020

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Nov 07, 2020

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Life
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Nov 07, 2020

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

He
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Nov 07, 2020

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

Men
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Nov 07, 2020

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

Man
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Nov 07, 2020

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Build
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Nov 07, 2020

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Meet
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Nov 07, 2020

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

She
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Nov 07, 2020

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Gym
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Nov 07, 2020

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

Marriage
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Nov 07, 2020

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Fire
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Nov 07, 2020

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Only
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Nov 07, 2020

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

Good
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Nov 07, 2020

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Dog
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Nov 07, 2020

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Marriage
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Nov 07, 2020

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Day
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Nov 07, 2020

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Guys, we are trying to share Unique Rita Rudner Quotes, so you will not get to read the same things again and again on our website. You can also share your favorites on Facebook or send them to a friend who loves to reading quotes.

Rita Rudner Quotes

Most Famous Rita Rudner Quotes of All Time!

We have created a collection of some of the best rita-rudner quotes so you can read and share anytime with your friends and family. Share our Top 10 Rita Rudner Quotes on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

Guys, we are trying to share Unique Rita Rudner Quotes, so you will not get to read the same things again and again on our website. You can also share your favorites on Facebook or send them to a friend who loves to reading quotes.

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