- Nov 07, 2020
Steven Wright Quotes
Most Famous Steven Wright Quotes of All Time!
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- Last Updated on May 30, 2021
- Clear
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- Nov 07, 2020
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Know
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- Nov 07, 2020
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
- Fingers
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- Nov 07, 2020
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- Like
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- Nov 07, 2020
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
- Funny
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- Nov 07, 2020
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- Death
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- Nov 07, 2020
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
- Funny
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- Nov 07, 2020
What's another word for Thesaurus?
- Nov 07, 2020
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
- Brake
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- Nov 07, 2020
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
- Like
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- Nov 07, 2020
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- Home
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- Nov 07, 2020
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
- Kid
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- Nov 07, 2020
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
- Child
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- Nov 07, 2020
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
- Nov 07, 2020
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
- Children
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- Nov 07, 2020
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
- Long
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- Nov 07, 2020
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
- Busted
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- Nov 07, 2020
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- Friend
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- Nov 07, 2020
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
- Me
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- Nov 07, 2020
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
- Just
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- Nov 07, 2020
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
- Now
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- Nov 07, 2020
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
- Girl
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- Nov 07, 2020
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
- People
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- Nov 07, 2020
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
- Extension
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- Nov 07, 2020
I invented the cordless extension cord.
- Friend
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- Nov 07, 2020
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
- Die
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- Nov 07, 2020
How young can you die of old age?
- Far
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- Nov 07, 2020
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Idiot
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- Nov 07, 2020
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Place
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- Nov 07, 2020
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- Shoot
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- Nov 07, 2020
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
- Me
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- Nov 07, 2020
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
- Coffee
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- Nov 07, 2020
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- Humor
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- Nov 07, 2020
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
- Get
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- Nov 07, 2020
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
- Me
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- Nov 07, 2020