- Funny
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- Nov 07, 2020
Phyllis Diller Quotes
Most Famous Phyllis Diller Quotes of All Time!
We have created a collection of some of the best phyllis-diller quotes so you can read and share anytime with your friends and family. Share our Top 10 Phyllis Diller Quotes on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.
- Last Updated on May 30, 2021
- Down
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- Nov 07, 2020
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
- Know
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- Nov 07, 2020
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
- Me
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- Nov 07, 2020
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
- Beauty
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- Nov 07, 2020
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
- Nov 07, 2020
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
- Home
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- Nov 07, 2020
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
- Old
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- Nov 07, 2020
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
- Our
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- Nov 07, 2020
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
- Buried
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- Nov 07, 2020
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
- Half
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- Nov 07, 2020
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
- Funny
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- Nov 07, 2020
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
- Old
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- Nov 07, 2020
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
- Mistake
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- Nov 07, 2020
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
- Like
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- Nov 07, 2020
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
- Commemorate
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- Nov 07, 2020
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
- Job
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- Nov 07, 2020
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
- Mother-In-Law
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- Nov 07, 2020
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
- Children
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- Nov 07, 2020
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
- New
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- Nov 07, 2020
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
- Nov 07, 2020
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
- Never
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- Nov 07, 2020
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
- Lady
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- Nov 07, 2020
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
- Like
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- Nov 07, 2020
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
- Business
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- Nov 07, 2020
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
- Funny
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- Nov 07, 2020
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
- End
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- Nov 07, 2020
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
- Nov 07, 2020
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
- Life
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- Nov 07, 2020
My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
- Father
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- Nov 07, 2020
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
- How
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- Nov 07, 2020
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
- Me
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- Nov 07, 2020
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
- Funny
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- Nov 07, 2020
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Everything
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- Nov 07, 2020
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
- High
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- Nov 07, 2020
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
- Eighteen
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- Nov 07, 2020
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
- Home
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- Nov 07, 2020
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
- Fight
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- Nov 07, 2020