- God
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- Nov 07, 2020
Henny Youngman Quotes
Most Famous Henny Youngman Quotes of All Time!
We have created a collection of some of the best henny-youngman quotes so you can read and share anytime with your friends and family. Share our Top 10 Henny Youngman Quotes on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.
- Last Updated on May 30, 2021
- Doctor
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- Nov 07, 2020
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
- Glasses
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- Nov 07, 2020
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
- Happy Marriage
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- Nov 07, 2020
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Morning
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- Nov 07, 2020
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
- Me
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- Nov 07, 2020
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
- Funny
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- Nov 07, 2020
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
- City
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- Nov 07, 2020
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
- Marriage
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- Nov 07, 2020
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Happiness
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- Nov 07, 2020
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
- Love
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- Nov 07, 2020
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
- He
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- Nov 07, 2020
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
- Love
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- Nov 07, 2020
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
- Nov 07, 2020
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Nov 07, 2020
Take my wife... Please!
- Me
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- Nov 07, 2020
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
- Mother-In-Law
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- Nov 07, 2020
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
- He
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- Nov 07, 2020
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
- Help
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- Nov 07, 2020
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
- Gift
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- Nov 07, 2020
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
- Living
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- Nov 07, 2020
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
- Live
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- Nov 07, 2020
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
- Car
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- Nov 07, 2020
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
- Brother-In-Law
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- Nov 07, 2020
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
- Nov 07, 2020
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
- Nov 07, 2020
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
- Hips
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- Nov 07, 2020
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
- Girl
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- Nov 07, 2020
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
- He
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- Nov 07, 2020
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
- Go
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- Nov 07, 2020
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
- Divorces
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- Nov 07, 2020
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
- Men
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- Nov 07, 2020
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
- Jews
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- Nov 07, 2020
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
- Nice
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- Nov 07, 2020