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- Nov 07, 2020
David Letterman Quotes
Most Famous David Letterman Quotes of All Time!
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- Last Updated on May 30, 2021
- People
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- Nov 07, 2020
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
- People
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- Nov 07, 2020
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
- Guy
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- Nov 07, 2020
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
- He
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- Nov 07, 2020
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
- Business
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- Nov 07, 2020
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
- People
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- Nov 07, 2020
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
- Home
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- Nov 07, 2020
For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.
- Face
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- Nov 07, 2020
I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
- New
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- Nov 07, 2020
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
- Change
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- Nov 07, 2020
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
- Gift
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- Nov 07, 2020
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
- Problem
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- Nov 07, 2020
I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
- Good
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- Nov 07, 2020
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
- Know
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- Nov 07, 2020
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
- Big
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- Nov 07, 2020
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
- Good
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- Nov 07, 2020
We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
- Intelligence
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- Nov 07, 2020
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
- Like
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- Nov 07, 2020
It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
- Body
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- Nov 07, 2020
Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
- He
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- Nov 07, 2020
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
- Doctor
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- Nov 07, 2020
Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?
- Footage
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- Nov 07, 2020
No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.
- Mind
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- Nov 07, 2020
Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
- Good
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- Nov 07, 2020
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
- Land
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- Nov 07, 2020
Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
- Brand New
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- Nov 07, 2020
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
- Elite
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- Nov 07, 2020
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
- He
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- Nov 07, 2020
It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
- Doing
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- Nov 07, 2020
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
- Personality
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- Nov 07, 2020
If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.
- Good
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- Nov 07, 2020
There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.
- Face
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- Nov 07, 2020
As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.
- Face
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- Nov 07, 2020